Not Funny
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: Something happens between the Joker and Poison Ivy which the Joker thinks is hilarious. But Harley Quinn doesn't find it very funny at all.
1. Chapter 1

**Not Funny**

Poison Ivy blearily opened her eyes and immediately shut them again as a bolt of pain shot through her head. There was no mistaking the feel of a hangover, and she had confirmation of it as she saw the empty liquor bottles scattered over the floor next to the bed. She let out a little groan, putting a hand to her forehead and willing the headache to go away.

She was answered by a groan from the shape next to her, which rolled over and draped its arm over her. A white arm. "Go make some coffee, Harley," a familiar voice muttered.

Ivy froze in horror as a terrible realization crept over her. Her heart pounded in fear as she slowly rolled over to face the Joker, lying next to her in bed. They were both undressed. His eyes were closed, but suddenly narrowed in annoyance. "I said coffee now, Harley, you lazy, useless…" he began, but his eyes opened at that moment.

For a horrible second, they both stared at each other, processing the situation. Then they both let out a high-pitched shriek, leaping to opposite ends of the bed and attempting to conceal themselves as much as possible from the other.

"Oh God, oh my God, oh God!" Ivy kept repeating, horrified, while Joker could only stare back at her in astonishment. "What the hell…how did this…Jesus Christ…oh God, what happened last night?! Tell me it was nothing! Tell me this isn't at all what it looks like! Tell me we didn't…"

But suddenly it all came flooding back. Harley had gone away for a week to attend the funeral of one of her aunts who had left a lot of money and to which she had some claim. She was staying to sort out all the legal complications, and while she was gone, she had asked Ivy to stop by the house and take care of the plants, since Joker never remembered to do anything on his own. Ivy had reluctantly agreed, for the plants' sakes, and for Harley's, although the last thing she wanted to do was see Joker – they shared a mutual loathing of each other. Ivy had gone over to water the plants, and Joker had been watching a film and enjoying a glass of whiskey. He had offered her one, and she accepted it, sitting down and watching some of the movie. It wasn't very good, and they ended up talking through it, making fun of it, and laughing. The clown was actually a funny guy sometimes. They had more glasses of whiskey. The movie ended and they had kept chatting and laughing. They finished several bottles together. And then…she was sure neither of them had really made the first move. It had just been spontaneous. One moment they were talking and drinking, then they fell silent, and suddenly the next moment they were wrapped in each other's arms, their hands all over each other and their mouths glued together. Somehow they had got to the bedroom. And then…

"Oh…God," gasped Ivy, as the realization struck her. "Harley is going to kill us."

"She's going to kill you!" he retorted, angrily. "This is all your fault! You're the one who goes around seducing men! This is just your style, you little tramp!"

"Excuse me?" demanded Ivy, furiously. "Are you saying I seduced you?!"

"Well, obviously that's what happened!" he snapped.

"Yeah? Well, I don't remember you voicing any objections last night!" she shouted. "Oh, Jesus Christ, how could we betray Harley like this?!" she cried, sitting down on the bed and burying her face in her hands.

"It's fine – she won't have to know," said Joker, quickly. "She won't find out. It'll be fine."

"You think we'll be able to keep something like this from her?" demanded Ivy.

"Well, yeah," he replied. "I mean, for all she knows, we hate each other, right? Shouldn't be too difficult to keep that up. She'll never suspect a thing. Why would she?"

"I do hate you, J!" shouted Ivy. "I hate you even more after this!"

"Why? Not a satisfied customer, Pammie?" he retorted. "I find that hard to believe. I remember some choice phrases you shouted out last night. And if I recall correctly, one of them was 'best man I ever had.' That's quite a compliment, coming from you."

"That doesn't sound like something I'd say," growled Ivy.

"Well, you did say it," he snapped. "Along with a few other compliments about my size and skill, thank you very much. It was quite the performance, if I do say so myself."

"Look, I really don't want to remember it," snapped Ivy, shutting her eyes tightly. "I want to forget the whole thing ever happened and just go back to hating each other as usual. Maybe that way we can pretend it didn't happen, and Harley won't have to find out. I wouldn't want to hurt her like this."

"Then you probably shouldn't have slept with me," he snapped.

"It's your fault too, you selfish clown!" she shouted. "It takes two to tango, you jerk! God, I hate your guts!"

"Well, the feeling is mutual, Pammie!" he retorted. "You worthless, dumb bitch!"

"Don't talk to me like that!" shrieked Ivy.

"I'll talk to you any way I want, you disgusting whore!" he shouted.

"You filthy bastard!"

"Dirty little slut!"

And suddenly they were in each other's arms again, mouths devouring each other as he shoved her down onto the bed…

And at that moment, Harley woke up, screaming and sitting bolt upright in bed, sweat pouring from her forehead.

"What?! What?! What is it?!" exclaimed Joker, starting from sleep at the scream. "Jesus Christ, Harley, you nearly gave me a goddamn heart atta…"

But she suddenly punched him across the face. "You lying, cheating bastard!" she shrieked. "How could you do this to me, you selfish jerk?!"

"Do…what?" he stammered, massaging his jaw, but Harley hit him again.

"You know what!" she shrieked. "I thought you loved me, Mr. J, but you don't care about me at all if you could do something like that! You horrible, disgusting creep!"

She began pummeling him, and he struggled to fend off her blows. "Harley…Harley baby…I don't understand! Is this meant to be turning me on? Because it's working, pumpkin pie…"

She shrieked again and stopped hitting him, curling up against the headboard and clasping her knees to her chest. "You sick freak!" she sobbed. "How could you hurt me like this?! Don't you care about me at all?!"

And she burst into tears. Joker stared at her in amazement. "Harley, baby, I honestly don't have any idea what you're talking about," he said. "What is it? What have I done?"

"You know, you monster!" she sobbed. "Don't even try to deny it!"

He thought for a moment. "What, that thing with the chattering teeth the other night? I thought you'd really enjoy that, pooh. Anyway, it's kinda a delayed response, don't you think?"

"Not the teeth!" she shouted. "You know what I'm talking about! I ain't gonna say it! But you know, and you should be ashamed of yourself! You both should!"

She continued to cry. "Harley, baby, I think you've had a nightmare," said Joker, quietly. "A very convicing nightmare that seems very real to you. But it was just a dream, sweets. Now come on, baby, tell Daddy J all about it."

"Don't touch me!" she snapped as he tried to embrace her. "I know where you've been, and I don't want your hands anywhere near me, you filthy liar!"

"For God's sake, Harley, this is ridiculous!" he snapped. "Just tell me what the hell I'm supposed to have done!"

"You know!" she shrieked. "That thing that happened that week I went away to my aunt's funeral!"

"What aunt's funeral?" he demanded. "You've never been to see any family as long as I've known you, Harley, dead or alive! I just assumed they all cut ties with you when you turned into a homicidal maniac! Which is good, I'd dump you if I had to deal with in-laws. I'm not the kinda guy you wanna bring home to show the family – might be awkward for Daddy to meet Daddy," he chuckled.

Harley stared at him. "Oh…oh yeah, you're right. But you mean I didn't…you didn't…it didn't happen, Mr. J?"

"No," he retorted. "I've told you, it was just a dream, baby. Must have been a real killer, though."

"But it hurt so much," she murmured. "It still hurts so much, and I'm awake now. I…oh, Mr. J!" she cried, leaping into his arms and sobbing into his chest. "Oh, thank God, puddin'! Oh God, I thought I'd have to hate you forever, and I'm not sure I could do that, puddin'! I couldn't forgive you for that, but I couldn't live without loving you, baby! Oh God, it was awful!"

"What exactly did I do, pumpkin pie?" he asked gently. "Y'know, just so I can be sure not to do it again. Not that I ever did it at all, because it was a just dream, sweets," he added hastily, as Harley glared up at him.

Harley shut her eyes tightly. Tears flowed from between her lids. "You…cheated on me!" she gasped.

"Aw, now pumpkin, you know I would never do anything like that," he said, hugging her tightly. "I'm a one woman loon, you know that, kiddo. Daddy doesn't want anyone but his precious little girl, his sweet little silly baby. And you know, most of the time I don't even want you. I'm pretty apathetic towards people in general – they're the punchlines to jokes, and that's all. I wouldn't have the energy or the inclination for anyone else but you, cupcake."

"Yeah…I know, Mr. J," she whispered. "I'm special to you like that. It don't make much sense now that I think about it. But it still hurts."

"Aw, my baby's never minded a little pain before!" he said, cuddling her.

"Physical pain, yeah, that's different," she murmured. "Emotional pain is just terrible, Mr. J."

"Wouldn't know, sweets, I don't have that many emotions," he replied, kissing the top of her head.

"You remember that time I tried to kill Batman, and you pushed me outta a window?" she asked. "I forgave you for that because you just damaged my body. The Bat did something much worse. He tried to damage my mind. He tried to convince me you didn't love me, and that you'd been manipulating me from the start. That you were just using me, baby. I've never forgiven him for that pain."

"Were you thinking about that today?" he asked, quietly.

"Maybe…I guess…I don't remember," she replied, shaking her head. "Even when I was a shrink, I never thought dreams meant anything. I guess there's some case to be made for them identifying repressed fears and insecurities, but mostly they're just random and nuts. Like this one. Could never happen, not really, puddin'. I know that. Rationally, I know that, but irrationally…it hurts so much, Mr. J."

He tilted her chin up and kissed her tenderly. "You're a stupid, silly baby, Harley Quinn," he whispered. "And you're really special to me, kid."

"Really, Mr. J?" she murmured, gazing up at him hopefully.

"Really," he replied. "And all that stuff Bats said, I've told you a hundred times, it don't matter. Whatever my intentions were then, or will be later, you're here, like this, with me now. And that's what counts. Don't spoil the fun by thinking about the past or the future. Just enjoy the ride."

She nodded. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered, kissing him gently.

"Now go back to sleep, pooh bear," he murmured. "Don't you have plans for tomorrow? Weren't you and the Plant Lady going to go shopping and spending my hard earned cash?"

At the mention of Ivy, Harley flinched, the pain hitting her again like a blow to her heart. "Baby? What is it?" he asked, noticing.

"It's…nothing, Mr. J," she murmured. "It was just a dream, after all."

He stared at her. "Pumpkin…in your dream, who did I cheat on you with?"

"I don't wanna talk about it, Mr. J," she retorted, lying back down and rolling over.

"Was it Batman?" he asked, quietly.

"What? No, of course not, Mr. J!" she snapped.

He shrugged. "You said it was pretty unbelievable. Who then? The Boy Blunder?"

"No!" retorted Harley. "It was a woman!"

"Batgirl? Kitty? Oh, what's her name, Scarface's gal? She's pretty hot. Could stick her hand in my pants anytime."

"Sugar? What do you mean she's pretty hot?!" demanded Harley, sitting up angrily.

He shrugged again. "Got a thing for blondes, baby, you know that," he said, grinning.

She stood up and grabbed her bathrobe. "This ain't a good time to joke with me, Mr. J!" she snapped, pulling it on violently. "I'm going to the couch! Goodnight!"

He seized her arm. "You ain't going anywhere, you dumb bitch!" he growled.

"You let go of me, you selfish jerk!" she shouted, ripping her arm away from him. He suddenly struck her across the face, knocking her backwards, but she recovered quickly and punched him hard. Then she leapt into his arms, wrapping her legs around him tightly as he kissed her passionately and pushed her down onto the bed.

"Oh baby…I've got some bruises from that, puddin'," murmured Harley, snuggling into his arms afterward.

"Yeah, me too," he whispered, kissing her forehead. "Nice work, kiddo."

"I love you so much, Mr. J," she murmured, kissing him. "Goodnight."

"Harley, who was it you dreamed I cheated on you with?" he asked quietly.

"Oh…it was Red, Mr. J," she murmured, cuddling into his embrace.

He laughed suddenly, hysterically. "What's so funny?" demanded Harley.

"Well…it's just…it's far more likely to be Batman, isn't it?" he chuckled. "At least there's a mutual interest!"

"It's not such a silly idea," she retorted. "You two do hate each other a lot. It's not a huge stretch to see that as misplaced attraction."

"I get how you might think that, Harley," he replied, nodding. "Considering I treat both the people I love and the people I hate with the same amount of apathy and contempt. But with Pammie, it is genuine hatred, and I'm sure she feels the same. Anyway, isn't she into plants? I ain't a plant, but I can see how the green hair might have confused her."

"I don't think in that way, Mr. J," she replied.

"Oh, c'mon, of course she is!" he retorted. "Don't you know, being her best friend and all? I thought women talked about that kinda stuff in private."

"Well, Red made a rule that neither of us talk about our sex lives after I gave her a bit too much information about ours," replied Harley. "Said she didn't sleep for a week."

"Yeah? What did you tell her?" asked Joker, sharply.

"Nothing too detailed, puddin'," she replied. "Only I mentioned the chattering teeth, and the whoopie cushion, and the electrodes, and that time I nearly fainted because I'd lost so much blood…"

"Jesus Christ, Harley, no wonder she hates me," he muttered. "I hope you told her it was all consensual."

"Oh…yeah…might have forgot to mention that, Mr. J," she said, slowly.

"Great. Fine. Whatever," he snapped, shutting his eyes. They lay quietly for some time, and Harley was just about to drop off, when he suddenly laughed maniacally again.

"Didn't sleep for a week, eh?" he laughed. "Well, well done, pooh bear. It's kinda funny to think I was indirectly responsible for her suffering!" He chuckled, then kissed Harley. "Goodnight, sweets. And don't have anymore nightmares. I don't wanna be woken up again."

"I won't, Mr. J," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "It was just a stupid dream, after all. I'm over it now."


	2. Chapter 2

But Harley Quinn wasn't really the kinda girl to get over things. She thought she had, but when she met Poison Ivy the next day, the feeling of betrayal and suspicion returned as strong as it had been the night before. She glared at her while they were shopping, returned her attempts at conversation with monosyllabic responses, and sat fuming in a corner while Ivy made use of the changing rooms.

"What do you think about this one, Harl?" asked Ivy, stepping out from behind the curtain and studying the green dress she was wearing in the mirror. "I think it's a bit tight at the top, but I'm not sure I mind that. Maybe accessorize with some leaves or something. Any thoughts?"

Harley's eyes narrowed. "I think it looks better on you, just like everything else we've tried on together!" she sobbed, throwing the pile of clothes she had been holding on the floor. "No wonder Mr. J prefers you to me – I ain't got curves like a real woman! I look like crap compared to you, just crap!"

And she burst into tears. Ivy stared at her in horror. "J prefers…what?" she stammered.

"Oh, c'mon, you know!" she sobbed. "Why else would you have slept together?! I hope it was worth breaking my heart for, Red!"

"What?!" shouted Ivy, stunned and insulted. "I would never, in a million years, sleep with that disgusting creep, Harley! What on earth are you babbling about?!"

"Well, you were drunk," snapped Harley.

"No amount of alcohol could ever make that attractive to me!" shouted Ivy. "Have you lost your mind, Harley?! Where on earth did this come from?!"

"Is there a problem?" asked a shop assistant, rushing over to them.

"Beat it, college dropout!" shrieked Harley, pulling out her gun. "This don't concern you! Go back to wasting your life in retail!"

"Harley, I promise you, I have never, ever slept with Joker," said Ivy as the assistant rushed off. "And I never would. I could never betray you like that, and I wouldn't want to."

"Why? Gorgeous guy like that suddenly ain't good enough for you, Red?" demanded Harley. "Is it 'cause he ain't a plant? Do you actually do that with plants, like Mr. J says?"

"What…Harley, why have you suddenly gone crazier than usual?!" demanded Ivy. "What's this all about? Why are you flinging around these baseless accusations?"

"I…I had a nightmare, Red!" sobbed Harley. "And it felt really real! And it still hurts!"

She fell to her knees, sobbing. Ivy looked from her to the approaching security guards. "Look, we'll talk about this in a second, Harl," she said, taking her arm and helping her to her feet. "Let's just get outta here. I think we'll take all of these," she said, shoving the clothes under one arm and taking Harley's with the other.

"Can I go back and get that little black number?" asked Harley as Ivy dragged her out of the store with the security guards on their heels.

"Kinda don't have the time for that, Harl…" began Ivy, but Harley ripped out her gun and shot the two security guards in the head. Then she ran back into the store, seized the dress, and rushed out into the mall.

"Sorry, but I needed some retail therapy after last night," she muttered. "And this one looked better on me."

They ran from the mall as more security descended on them. The moment they were outside, the whole building exploded in a blaze of fire and rubble. At the sound of maniacal laughter, they turned to see Joker standing by his car, holding a detonator. "You can tell Christmas is coming – shopping is murder these days!" he chuckled.

"Aw, puddin'!" exclaimed Harley happily, leaping into his arms. "What a great gag!"

"You did make sure we were out before you set it off, right?" demanded Ivy.

"Of course, Pammie," he replied, grinning. "Wouldn't want to blow up both of my girlfriends, would I?"

"That ain't funny, Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, shoving herself away from him abruptly.

"Would one of you please tell me what the hell is going on?" demanded Ivy.

"Aw, c'mon, Pammie, Harley's found out, the game is up," he replied, grinning. "We've been having a torrid love affair behind your back, Harley, and all our loathing was just a cover for our irresistable and uncontrollable attraction to each other."

"In your dreams," retorted Ivy.

"No, in Harley's," he replied, laughing. "She had a nightmare that that was the case."

"It was actually a one-night stand which you both instantly regretted," retorted Harley. "While I was away at my aunt's funeral."

"You don't have an aunt," said Ivy.

"I know!" she shrieked. "It was a dream! It don't have to make sense! But it still hurts, you selfish jerks, and I don't wanna talk about it anymore!"

She sat down angrily in the front seat of the car and slammed the door, folding her arms across her chest and sulking. Joker shrugged. "You coming home with us, Pammie?" he asked.

"I guess. I don't know which of these are meant to be mine and which are Harley's," she said, indicating the clothing in her arms.

He opened the back door for her. "Allow me," he said, holding out his hand to help her inside.

"Stop being decent, J, it's creepy," snapped Ivy, climbing inside without his help.

He grinned at her and returned to the front seat, driving off. There was silence in the car for a long time. Then Harley suddenly burst into tears. "The worst part was, puddin', you wanted her to make you coffee!" she sobbed. "That's _my _job! I do things like that for you! And you called her all sorts of names, my names, useless and worthless and all that stuff! It was like you were replacing me – like you didn't need me anymore!"

"I thought you didn't want to talk about it, Harley," said Ivy.

"I don't!" she sobbed. "Only I can't stop thinking about it! Oh, Mr. J!"

"Trying to drive here, Harley," he muttered as she clung to him, sobbing.

"Harley, why don't you come back here and help me sort through these dresses?" asked Ivy, trying to think of some way to distract her.

Harley obeyed, climbing into the backseat. She happened to glance out of the rear window and suddenly her face fell. "Um…Mr. J?" she said.

"Still trying to drive," he snapped. "I'll look at the pretty dress when we're home, pooh."

"It ain't a dress, Mr. J," replied Harley, pointing.

He glanced in the rearview mirror. "Aw, not him," he muttered. "Jesus, can't we even go shopping in peace without a visit from the flying rodent?"

"You did kinda blow up the mall, J," Ivy reminded him.

"What's your point?" he demanded.

"Well, I just don't think Bats is overreacting by chasing after you," retorted Ivy.

"Well, stop thinking, you're terrible at it," he retorted. "And I don't care if he's overreacting or not, I just want him off my tail. Reach underneath the seat on your side, Pammie."

Ivy obeyed, and pulled out a rocket launcher. "You'll find the rockets in the glove compartment," he said.

"And what exactly am I supposed to do with this?" asked Ivy.

"Fire it at Batman, obviously," he retorted.

"You want me to do it, Red?" asked Harley, holding out her hand.

"I'm not shooting this thing out the window!" shouted Ivy.

"You do what I tell you, you useless dame!" shouted Joker, rounding on her.

"Stop calling her that!" shrieked Harley. "I'm the useless dame here!"

"Drive the goddamn car, J!" shouted Ivy.

"Harley, get up here and drive!" shouted Joker. "I can see I have to do everything myself as usual!"

Ivy was amazed they didn't crash into anything as Harley and Joker swapped seats. Then Joker tried to grab the rocket launcher from Ivy, but she held onto it tightly.

"You're going to get us all killed, you lunatic!" shouted Ivy. "The blast from this thing will knock us through the windscreen!"

"Clearly you've had no experience firing rocket launchers!" retorted Joker. "I have, and I've fired them from moving vehicles, and it's been perfectly fine! Just give me the damn gun!"

"I'm not dying for your stupid whims, J!" she shouted. "And I don't trust your word as far as I can throw you!"

"And I don't have time to argue with you, you dumb broad! I can see Bats's ugly mug from here! Just give it to me now, you useless waste of space!"

"Stop flirting with her!" shrieked Harley, whirling around angrily.

Joker ripped the gun from Ivy's hands and turned, firing it out of the rear window. Glass shattered as the rocket impacted with the car right behind them, and the explosion threw both he and Ivy into the front seat, knocking Harley's seat forward and causing her to slam suddenly on the breaks. The force of that threw all three of them through the windshield and out onto the pavement.

"I…told…you…you…stupid…clown!" hissed Ivy, struggling to her feet, eyes burning in fury.

"It happened because you waited too long to shoot him, you dumb bitch!" he snarled, standing up slowly.

Ivy suddenly threw herself at him, knocking him to the ground and pummeling him mercilessly. "Red, stop it!" shrieked Harley, leaping to her feet and trying to pull Ivy off him. "Stop it! Get offa him! You don't hit him – that's my job! Stop trying to replace me! Oh, this is just like my dream!" she sobbed.

Ivy was suddenly ripped off Joker by none other than Batman, who slapped her in a pair of handcuffs, doing the same with Joker and Harley. "Let's go," he snapped, leading them over to the Batmobile.

"Hey, what is that, Bats?" asked Joker, looking at the undamaged car. "Some kind of titanium shield?"

"Titanium alloy," retorted Batman, shoving him into the backseat. "I had it installed after the last time you fired a rocket launcher at me and blew up the front half of my car."

Joker whistled. "Gotta get me one of those," he murmured. "And I told you it worked, Pammie!" he snapped.

"Shut up, you stupid clown!" growled Ivy.

Batman was about to shove Ivy into the backseat after him, when Harley shrieked and pushed herself forward. "I'm sitting next to Mr. J!" she shouted. "He's my puddin', and don't you forget that, Red!"

"For the last time, Harley, I don't want the selfish, disgusting creep!" shouted Ivy. "He's a horrible, vile, abusive, psychotic monster, and I would rather die than sleep with him!"

"That's exactly what you'd say if you were madly in love with him, though, isn't it?" demanded Harley.

"Only in your twisted mind!" retorted Ivy. "C'mon, Bats, just take us back to Arkham! At least the people there are sane!"

Harley clung tightly to Joker during the ride, while Ivy sat in the front seat, fuming. She looked up at the car mirror a few times, and Joker winked at her, then blew her a kiss. This only infuriated her more, so she tried to ignore him, but Harley noticed and clung tighter, glaring at Ivy in suspicion. As they were dragged off to their separate cells in Arkham, Joker made the 'call me' sign with his hand to Ivy, which set Harley off sobbing again, and which continued for the rest of the evening. Ivy sighed and tried to put the pillow over her head to block out the sound. It was going to be a long night.


	3. Chapter 3

For the next few days, whenever the inmates were allowed any time to be communal in the Rec Room, Joker followed Ivy around like a shadow, in an attempt to flirt with her, or at least, Ivy assumed that was what he was trying to do. It just came across as slimy and disgusting, because that was what he was. But it really upset Harley, and it really creeped out Ivy. She didn't know what she would do if the bastard tried something, really tried something. She guessed she could always kill him and pretend it was an accident.

One night shortly after, Ivy was awakened by the sound of her cell door being opened. She sat up to see Joker entering her room, and instantly panicked. "You stay away from me, J," she snapped. "This isn't funny!"

"No, it ain't," he growled, pulling out her chair and sitting down heavily, holding his chin in his hands. "But why isn't it, Pammie? Why doesn't she get it?"

"She…get…what?" asked Ivy.

"This whole you and me thing," he retorted. "Why don't she get it? Harley's not stupid, not really. She's always got my jokes before. Why doesn't she get this one?"

"This is a joke?" asked Ivy.

"Of course it's a joke!" he snapped. "You didn't actually think I was interested in you, did you? Don't flatter yourself, toots! Every guy who meets you doesn't just fall madly in love with you, y'know."

"I didn't…I don't…what the hell are you talking about, J?" she demanded. "What on earth is going on? And what the hell are you doing in my room in the middle of the goddamn night?!"

"I'm here to cheat on Harley with you," he retorted, sarcastically. "C'mon, Pammie, don't be dense! The boyfriend and the best friend? That's so cliched! I'm not gonna be a part of that old joke! That's the whole point, you see? That's the whole gag! But Harley's not laughing!"

Ivy stared at him. "You think she should find it funny that you're flirting with her best friend?"

"Obviously!" he retorted. "Because the possibility of anything happening between us is so utterly ridiculous! It's the humor of the absurd, surreal humor, that's the gag! Bit sophisticated for Harley, maybe, but I thought she'd get it. It's like the way I flirt with Batsy! It's funny because it's utter nonsense. You see?"

"No, I don't see," snapped Ivy. "I mean, I do see, but it's not funny, J. It's just not."

He shrugged. "Well, absurdism isn't for everyone. I'm more of a black comedy, slapstick kinda guy myself. I think Harley probably is too. But I just thought I'd try something a bit more mature this time. Oh well, not every joke can be a hit. But comedians have to keep trying out new material to stay fresh and unpredictable, y'know? Wouldn't want to get stuck in a rut, not like Two-Face or the Hatter. I mean, it's gags involving twos and _Alice in Wonderland_. You can only do so much with those jokes, can only take them so far before they get old. At least my persona is adaptable."

Ivy stared at him. "So let me get this straight, J," she said, slowly. "Harley has a nightmare about the two of us getting together, so you thought it would be real funny to pretend like you were interested in the two of us getting together and making her even more upset and insecure?"

"Yeah. And it was real funny," he retorted. "Because it's so silly of her to get upset and be insecure. Again, humor of the absurd. I mean, you know me pretty well, Pammie. Do you seriously think it's likely that I'd ever want anyone else but Harley? Despite her horrendous incompetence, incessant clinginess, and innumerable blonde moments, I do kinda love the little minx, y'know."

"You love her so much you put her through unnecessary emotional torture for your own amusement?" she demanded.

"I thought she would find it funny too!" he snapped. "I thought she'd laugh! So sue me!"

"You're just a bastard, J," said Ivy.

"A wonderful, adorable, magnificent bastard," sighed a voice from the doorway.

They both turned to see Harley standing there, beaming at him. "I saw you come in and heard everything," she breathed. "You did all this for me, because you thought it would make me laugh? And then you said…you said…oh, Mr. J, you do love me!"

She rushed into his arms. "I said kinda," he retorted. "Kinda love you, I guess. Sure, why not?" he sighed, embracing her.

"I'm sorry for being silly and insecure, puddin'," she murmured. "I'll never do it again, I promise. Because you don't love anyone else but your Harley girl, and you never will, will you, puddin'?" she asked, gazing up at him hopefully.

He smiled. "What did I tell you about the past and the future, sweets? Don't think about it. Just enjoy the ride."

"Oh, I will, Mr. J," she whispered. "And you'd better start revving up your Harley for it."

He grinned at her. "Excuse us, Pammie," he said, putting his arm around Harley and leading her out of the cell. "What we shared was unique, but I'm really a one woman loon, you know."

"I'm devastated," retorted Ivy, sarcastically.

"You said he was the best you ever had in my dream, Red," replied Harley.

"That doesn't sound like something I would say," retorted Ivy.

"That's what you said in the dream too," said Harley, grinning. "Does my subconscious know you and puddin' or what?"

"Apparently not," retorted Ivy. "Because I would never sleep with him, not even if he were the last man on earth. And even then, I'm sure I could find a plant instead."

"That ain't a joke," muttered Joker as they left her.

"Yes, it is, puddin'," replied Harley.

"Oh yeah, because you're obviously the best person in the world at getting jokes," he retorted. "You were too dense to get the last one, weren't you, you dumb broad?"

"I'm completely stupid, Mr. J," she murmured, cuddling him gently.

"Yeah, you are, you useless, worthless dame," he muttered, kissing the top of her head. "An utter and complete waste of space."

She grinned and kissed him. "I love you too, puddin'," she murmured.

**The End**


End file.
